Me Gusta: August 18th, 2023
Me Gusta: August 18th, 2023
Double bills; or, make your own Barbenheimmer!
The movie event of the summer panned out: Barbenheimmer has made a gajillion dollars at the box office, giving movie execs reason to celebrate and forget that all their employees are on strike—and everyone else, reason to write/post/annoy others in real life with reflections on how this means the secret to moviemaking magic is in original ideas (nevermind that Barbie is based on a toy and Oppenheimer on a book—the world is a dire place right now and I will not begrudge anyone for grasping at straws. Kidding, of course I will begrudge them. Have you met me?)
That being said, this particular double bill is not for everyone; like billions of others, I could not face three hours of a man inventing, detonating, and regretting the atomic bomb, so I just saw Barbie (no further questions). If you, like me, still crave a double bill and are not particularly intrigued by the upcoming Saw Patrol, here are other DYI pairings you can try at home (kudos to my boss, Roberta Pereira, who came up with this idea for a staff meeting “name game”).
Lessons in survival: Jurassic Prada
The movies: Jurassic Park and The Devil Wears Prada
Why this pairing? Because sometimes life will throw you into a hostile environment populated by dangerous predators who want to devour you whole, and you have to figure out how to stay alive and not let the experience scar you. Whether that environment is an island full of dinosaurs or an office full of clackers, the rules are the same: be alert at all times, eat or be eaten, and leave the book by the table with the flowers (okay, maybe not all rules are the same). These two movies are not just among my all-time favorites; they both feature richly constructed worlds with incredibly high stakes (which is worse: missing Lagerfeld before he boards a flight to Australia or turning on a flashlight while the T-Rex breaks out?), kick-ass soundtracks, and too many quotable moments to count.
Does any Jurassic Park work, or does it have to be the original? This should be obvious, so in the words of Miranda after demanding 15 Calvin Klein skirts, “please go bother someone else with your questions.”
Which has the scarier monster? Hmm… Miranda can go toe to toe with the T-Rex as a fearsome villain, and while she does have the advantage of being able to see things even if they don’t move (otherwise, her assistants would be safe when they freeze in fear), she also has redeeming qualities—she’s a woman in a man’s world, Rupert Murdoch uses her divorces to sell tabloids—while the best that can be said for the T-Rex is… she’s hungry? And, like, doesn’t have a consciousness that allows her to feel bad about her actions? The tie-breaker might be in the junior leagues: the raptors may be able to open doors, but only Emily Blunt can deliver a burn like “Oh, I’m sorry, do you have some prior commitment? Some hideous skirt convention you need to go to?”
In what order should I watch? Both feature characters whose beliefs are tested by hardship (Alan’s decision not to have children, Andy’s decision to stick it out at a bad job), so they are somewhat interchangeable. But I’d start with Jurassic Park, whose sense of spectacle and wonder will appeal to your inner child, just like it does Alan’s; then, when you’re ready to grow up, dive into The Devil Wears Prada, which will leave you wizened like it does Andy (even if it doesn’t rid her of some very questionable bangs).
Where can I watch? Jurassic Park is free with ads on Freeve, or sans ads on Hulu; The Devil Wears Prada is only available for rent.
Have you written about these movies before? I sure have! Thoughts on JP here, and on DWP here. (Just to show how streaming is broken: the last time I talked about them, JP was on HBO Max, and DWP on Hulu!)
Patriarchy nightmares: My Best Friend’s Baby
The movies: My Best Friend’s Wedding and Rosemary’s Baby
Why this pairing? Because men suck, that’s why! Whether they’re selling Mia Farrow’s womb to Satan or marrying a young Cameron Diaz and making her give up her career, you can rely on them to just be the absolute worst (says I, also a man). Both movies feature female protagonists “acting crazy” by trying to navigate a world in which they are pressured to conform to their gender roles: Julianne is desperately trying to marry her best friend because she can’t just have a successful career and be happy, and Rosemary is freaking out because she’s growing the literal antichrist inside of her, but no one believes her. They both undergo terrible humiliations, blinded as they are by the terrible men at the center of their narratives, but both manage to build some modicum of space for themselves—and if that means embracing the dark side, well, can you blame them?
Which has the worst men? Like with our first double bill, very hard call. On the one hand, there’s Rosemary’s husband, who’s literally called Guy and—just to reiterate—pimps his wife out to Satan. Plus, when she’s like “Did you pimp me out to Satan last night?” the best he can come up with is “No, I just raped you in your sleep,” as if that was much better. And to top it all off: he does it so that he can have a successful acting career—aim higher! But then we have Michael, who in spite of Dermot Mulroney’s charm, simply cannot be redeemed. He shamelessly flirts with Julia Roberts and even leers at her naked figure literal days before marrying another woman, but acts all shocked when she confesses her love for him. Worst of all, he pitches a huge fit when Cameron Diaz says she wants to stay in school instead of following him around the country to cover baseball—again, what is with these men’s mediocre ambitions? It’s a margin call, but I have to go with Michael… It’s in the numbers: he makes two women crazy instead of just one.
As a man, what do you have to say in your defense? That… #NotAllMen? Both movies give us some positive representation: Rosemary has Hutch, the only man to stand up for her, and without whom she wouldn’t have figured out she was being manipulated by a witches’ coven (for which he gets put into a coma and then dies), while Julianne has George, who not only pretends to be her fiancé to protect her pride, but then flies to Chicago A SECOND TIME (that’s at least $400 on a newspaper editor’s salary) to again help her save face because no one at the wedding wants to dance with the psycho bridesmaid.
Which has the best soundtrack? This is not even close: My Best Friend’s Wedding! Sure, Krzysztof Komeda composed an original lullaby for Rosemary, but MBFW has not one, not two, not even three, but five musical numbers (by which I mean moments in which actors sing). It’s basically a jukebox musical masquerading as a rom-com (Kevin McCollum if you’re reading this: don’t even think about it).
In what order should I watch? No matter which order, you’re gonna be depressed: the movies were released almost 30 years apart, and their sexual politics are the exact same. So with that in mind, I’d say do My Best Friend’s Wedding first and then Rosemary’s Baby, because at least that one ends with the antichrist being born, and by then you’ll be like “yeah wipe us all out, this isn’t working.”
Whoa, dark. But fun! My Best Friend’s Wedding is full of quotable jokes (“We’re the vengeful sluts”). Even Rosemary has some downright comedic moments thanks to Ruth Gordon, who deservedly won an Oscar for her performance as the nosy neighbor you love to hate.
Where can I watch? My Best Friend’s Wedding is on Starz (so I’m assuming you’ll have to rent); Rosemary’s Baby is on Paramount+ (or in other places that have Showtime content).
Have you written about these movies before? Mais bien sûr! You can read my thoughts on MBFW here, and Rosemary (the book, but also the movie) here.
Tales of revenge: Mean Bill
The movies: Mean Girls and Kill Bill
Why this pairing? Because sometimes motherf*ckers have it coming, and you gotta give it to them. It is not okay for a band of assassins to massacre everyone at your wedding, beat the shit out of you, and shoot you in the head, just like it’s not okay for the school’s queen bee to disinvite you from their pool party because they think you’re a lesbian—and these movies encourage you to take matters into your own hands and right some g-damn wrongs. Whether that be by flying to Japan and getting a legendary swordsmith out of retirement so he can make you a katana that will chop off limbs or by cutting the nipples off your enemy’s tops during gym class, Cady and _______ (no spoilers) will get theirs, even if they risk becoming monsters themselves in the process.
Which is gorier? It depends on your definition of gore. Kill Bill has blood showers, severed limbs, scalped heads—the works. At one point, a man getting stabbed in the gut grits his teeth so hard, they explode out of his mouth! Mean Girls, on the other hand, has some imagined animalistic skirmishes, but the true gore is in the way these high schoolers treat each other. Telling your enemy’s crush that she’s obsessed with him and draws “Mrs. Aaron Samuels” hearts all over her notebook? It would be more civil to just poke her eye out and step on it. Trigger warning for girl-on-girl violence! (As Ms. Norbury would put it: “You gotta stop calling each other bitches and whores.”)
Who deserves revenge more? It’s hard to compare, because while the crimes Bill commits against _______ are certainly unforgivable, she is only out to avenge herself and her unborn child, while Cady is in it for everyone who has been personally victimized by Regina George. As I believe in the greater good over personal satisfaction, I gotta go with Cady, but I understand this is subjective.
Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.
I love your skirt, where did you get it? That is the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.
In what order should I watch? Form dictates function in this one: Kill Bill is a two-parter, and I never recommend watching them back-to-back. So do Kill Bill Part I, mourn the glorious death of O-Ren Ishii, then Mean Girls, take a moment to appreciate your piece of the homecoming queen crown, and then finish with Kill Bill Part II and get “Malagueña Salerosa” stuck in your head the rest of the week.
Where can I watch? Mean Girls is on Netflix or Paramount+; Kill Bill is on Amazon Prime.
Have you written about these movies before? Shockingly, for two movies I’ve seen many many times, and to which the limit on how much I quote them does not exist, I have not written about them before in this newsletter! Stay tuned.
Do you have a favorite double bill to recommend?
Use the “Te Gusta” button and send it to me! If I get enough, I’ll do a follow-up edition with reader recs.