For today’s newsletter, I had planned to come up with a list of things that you can do with the extra hour from Daylight Savings, but I didn’t really have the time or energy to think them up because I just adopted a cat, Chester, who has monopolized my attention for past two weeks. Therefore, I’ll be using this edition to review Chester—not all pets, not even all cats, just Chester individually. How useful is this to you? I don’t know, nor do I feel like it’s my labor to figure it out. But I do hope you enjoy it!
A cat: Chester
The pitch: Chester pitched himself to me six weeks ago, when two of my friends and I decided to hate-watch the Dear Evan Hansen movie in theaters (highly recommend). We met at one of their houses to pregame, and since she’s a foster, there’s always a rotating cast of cats living there—that day, it was Chester.
Me and cats never had super close bonds; since I am a cat myself in temperament, I tend to be attracted to my opposite, dogs. Plus I recently developed an allergy to them (yes, that’s right, developed—allergies are real assholes and can pop up thirty years into your life without any previous symptoms). Just being near some cats, I get red itchy eyes and puffy welts on my jawline, so I need to be properly medicated to hang out with them.
Chester ignored all of this and made an urgent, emotional pitch. As soon as I came in and sat down on a chair, he came up to it, climbed next to me, and lay down in a position that looked very uncomfortable just so he could fit in the gap between my legs and the armrest. It was impossible not to read this as love at first sight on his part, a love that seemed so strong that he didn’t mind being uncomfortable just to get close me. This lasted a minute at most, during which I petted him copiously; he then got up and went lie somewhere else. As I watched him walk, I saw he was quite skinny, which my friend said is due to the fact that he’s lived on the streets for most (if not all) of his life. It makes him look a little weird, but as a fellow skinny creature, I empathized a lot. Could this cat and I be destined for each other?
Even though I was not at all planning to adopt an animal (except for some fantasizing that tends to happens on Sunday mornings when I imagine cuddling a big dog before getting out of bed), I told his foster to keep me posted on when he became available. This made both of my friends VERY excited; something about my demeanor, I’ve been told, does not suggest that I’d be interested in loving and caring for another living creature, so the reveal tends to thrill people. Their excitement gave me some commitment phobia, but I decided to trust God with deciding whether I should adopt Chester or not—if God could spare a minute from dealing with the complete collapse of civilized society, that is.
He must have found the time, because four weeks later, after two doctors appointments (one to be neutered and one to put a cone on his head because he wouldn’t stop licking the scar on his ballsack) and an interview with the shelter, Chester was officially handed off to me. Since he hasn’t been microchipped yet, I’m technically still his foster, but barring any unforeseen changes, we’ll finalize the adoption soon.
Me gusta porque: Chester is by most accounts a Good Boy. Some of his best features include:
He is very friendly and likes to spend time close to people (and by time I mean up to a half hour before he walks away to lay in the exact same pose but far away from everyone).
He likes being picked up like a baby, which means I can hold him while I do other things—a must for the multitasking pet parent!
He does a good job at making me feel like I’m special to him, usually choosing to cuddle up with me instead of any of my guests (unless I’m not paying him attention) and following me around everywhere. He also does this insanely cute thing where he’ll come into
my officehis room while I’m working and paw at my arm, meowing so I’ll pet him.He mostly listens to me when I tell him to not do something with a stern voice, and while he’s not big on apologies and can sometimes gaslight me with a “that wasn’t me” meow, he’s overall quite tame.
He likes the same TV shows as me.
But by far Chester’s biggest asset is that he’s outrageously adorable, which means he can get away with most things just by looking up at me with Puss in Boots eyes after the fact. I would not be surprised to learn that this is what has kept him alive all these years—the visceral “awww” that most people emit upon meeting him. It also, I think, explains the urgency of his pitch: he knows he has a few good years of cuteness left, so time was of the essence in getting adopted. Now, he has trapped me in a situation in which, were he ever to become gross, I’d still be guilted into taking care of him. Is it calculating? Yes, but I admire it, so I’m counting it as a plus.
No me gusta porque: I know I don’t typically list dislikes in my recommendations, but I hope the pressure of being publicly shamed compels Chester to address these things.
He has parasites, which cause him multiple digestive problems. This is an IBS house so in some ways it makes him fit in, but on the other hand, I have enough to deal with in my own body, so ideally Chester’s would be fine? I list this one first because it’s (theoretically) the easiest to fix, as I’m giving him meds for it.
He once puked in my beloved IKEA reading chair. I have a lot of sympathy for the puking itself, but come on, man—just do it on the floor. Thankfully the Woolite Pet Stains I was told to get was very effective.
He won’t wipe his paws after using the litter box, even though I entice him with treats to do it. This adds cat litter to the already substantial coating of cat hair and dandruff that now covers my entire house.
The cat hair/dandruff coating gives me allergies.
He is OBSESSED with my bedroom, which he’s not allowed in because of said allergies (at least one room in the house should ideally not be covered in his hair?) If he sees even the slightest opportunity, he’ll sneak in and will not heed to my orders to leave. One time, he dramatically clawed at my bedroom doorframe as I picked him up to take him out, as if he was the Jurassic Park worker that gets dragged into the velociraptor’s cage at the beginning of the movie.
Some days he wakes up and chooses evil, climbing on counters and the fridge, scratching upholstery, and in general being a grade-A punk. Not even my harshest tone can snap him out of it; a time out is required. To his credit, he mellows out pretty quickly after it.
Most important, he does not contribute in any meaningful way to the finances and chores of the house, even though he has added a lot to both. Even with all the job openings right now, he has made no substantial efforts to find employment.
So what’s the verdict? The cons seem to outweigh the pros, but like I said, he’s trapped me into this situation, so it’s too late. I now love Chester and therefore cannot be objective about what is clearly a parasitic relationship (just as he has parasites, he parasites me—is the way of the world, or at least the way of Bong Joon-ho). My verdict is “I love you, baby boy- CHESTER! STOP SCRATCHING THE COUCH!”
Where? My house (for now—if I die or become seriously maimed, maybe he gets to live with you!)
I’ve already experienced Chester! Then consider yourself truly fortunate.